I'm a pretty well-balanced person. I have a few good friends, an amazing husband, two adorable cats, a nice big family, a house, a college education, NO job (by choice), a husband with a GREAT job, and compared to millions of people in this world, I live like a princess. Almost every minute of every day I feel lucky to be me.
Even when times are "bad," I still feel grateful for my life because I know in my heart that I've been given a pretty sweet deal. AND I'm intelligent and strong, so even when times get VERY bad I still trust myself to pull through eventually.
The only thing is...my creative energy thrives on passion. At least, it used to. Please don't read this and think my marriage is passionless; my marriage is fine. I'm talking about like, teen-angst style passion. Like, anger, sadness, unrequited love, gut-wrenching loss, a desperation to belong, or even that feeling where you love EVERYTHING so much that it hurts.
Most of my best paintings have come out of those feelings; bent over a canvas on the floor of my bedroom or dorm room, 3am, sweating and covered in paint. I used to think of it like throwing up: I felt horrible beforehand, uncomfortable during, and when it was over, things were okay.
It's not that I want my life to be less okay now, but I really miss feeling that inspired. That, like...DRIVEN. Shh! Don't tell anyone, but even now, when I bead or knit or do basically anything creative, it's still coming from feeling stressed out or insecure about something. The problem is, they're usually only *little* insecurities. Like, "God, please don't let me be the only fat girl at this party." Or, "I really hope this isn't strep again."
Little blips of panic lead to little blips of creativity. I want someone to like me? I make them a scarf. I want to feel pretty? I make myself a scarf. Or a necklace, or something - you get the idea. I have all these canvases downstairs, and I just don't feel inspired to PAINT anything. Our walls are practically bare because *I* am supposed to provide the artwork, and I'm not doing it. I actually have a few ideas in mind, but I haven't even gessoed, let alone started sketching.
So...here's what I'm thinking. Rather than sabotaging my life in order to create turmoil and angst, I simply need to find a new source of inspiration. I think cleaning up our basement will help, because right now I can barely find stuff down there, let alone sit down there to work on something. And after that...maybe in May or June? I was thinking it might be fun to have people over for like, "creative time."
I haven't cleared it with Brett yet, and it would have to be people we already know (I'm leery of strangers), but I was thinking maybe like every other Friday night or something, whoever wants to come over and make shit can...well, come over and make shit. Jon can paint eggs, Shannon can write, Tony can do his homework, Brett can compose, Dan can make me a pie, and I will probably still procrastinate, but at least I'll feel somewhat pressured to do SOMETHING creatively productive. And if we know you and I left you off, you're invited too. Oh! Brad could probably compose, too. And Kim, you could do whatever you do. Because I'm sure you do something. And Nicolle could do something, etc. Anybody. As long as we know you. And you're interested in doing something creative. And you're not messy. Or a serial killer.
What do you think? Too cheesy? Too bohemian? The idea just came to me tonight, so I haven't said a WORD about it to Brett. He might hate it and veto it, but you never know. He likes hanging out with people, he likes exercising his creativity, and he likes social plans that don't involve leaving the house, so this may be right up his alley. Eh?
